Wednesday Journal (know me?)

I can’t sleep; I’m sitting and wide awake, consciously unconscious. I’m not sure if what I’m writing here will really make sense but I just want to remember this night, or this moment. I am actually thinking of how boring my life has been. For 21 years, I’ve always been safe; I mean I’m not sure if I already experienced taking risks or putting myself in a complicated situation. Every time I’m making a decision, I always think of the consequences and take the advice of my parents into consideration. And I often over think, that’s why I end up in decisions were I know I’m protected, I won’t get hurt and I won’t have a problem. Also, if I obey what my parents say, I won’t end up blaming myself whatever happen, but I won’t blame my parents as well because they’re my parents. At least I won’t regret neglecting their guidance. I really believe some people had their problems because of their wrong decisions in life. First time I was asked about ambition in life, I imitated what my classmate said, to be a teacher. By that time, I know how surprising life is and I don’t really have idea on what the future has for me. When I was in Grade 6, I heard about broadcast journalist, in which I vision a person holding a mic standing beside a TV screen. From then I said I want to be a broadcast journalist so I can see myself on TV. It’s been a long time since I stayed awake this late at night. I just can’t stop thinking and wandering. I keep on imagining things. I often think of adventurous, dirty and risky things which is opposite of my reality. I even thought of myself as a psychotic. I will give a scenario so you can picture out my personality okay? My crush sit beside me, instead of looking and talking to him, I will think and imagine of what could happen or what will be the flow of the moment from the time we start to talk and look at each other until he’s already my ex boyfriend. Haha yes I am that advanced. If we just met and I’m attracted to you, I can imagine you being with me and we fall for each other until our two vibrant heart changed. So in reality, he would think I don’t want to talk to him. He’s not aware that in the moment he’s sitting beside me, 10-20 minutes, we already had relationship with each other. I don’t know if it’s funny or creepy that people would avoid me for knowing this. I know this is one of the reasons why I can’t be in a relationship. It is set in my mind that every teenage relationship has endings as what I am witnessing. But I still believe in true love. I just don’t feel it has come already even if I’m not a teenager anymore. But i admit there is a guy i admire since i was in Grade 2. I met so many boys but he’s one of a kind. Maybe i will just stop admiring him when he got married to other woman. When I was in kinder, one of my classmates was caught by my teacher smelling my hair. Grade 1, was the 1st time I was courted I think but I don’t know. Then, a Grade 4 student who happened to be a cousin of mine, showed his admiration to me by going into my classroom and bringing junk food. One time they pleaded me to go outside the room. I saw him smiling at me while his friends are teasing him. Even my teacher and classmates are teasing me. Sometime we saw him with his friends at the window smiling and saying hi to me. At my age of 6 or 7, I feel happy about that but I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing that they are doing. I somehow think they’re enemies. I mean I know the word ‘like’ but I don’t know what’s beyond that word or feeling. That time I was drowning with my confidence as I know girls are insecure with me and the boys like me. But it reached to the point that I was disrespected (at my young age and innocence I became emotionally, physically, mentally depressed that I can’t tell anyone about what I’ve been going through because I don’t want people have pity on me) and as time passed, I realized I should be conservative and protect myself as a woman. High school, I want to make myself look ugly so no boys would have attention on me. I don’t care about how I dress and I started to snob the boys even my childhood playmates. Then I realized people started to get intimidated to me also. But thanks God I still managed to have some friends. I got high school best friend and some gay friends. I remember a lesbian wrote a love letter for me. Maybe she thought we’re the same. Despite of my depressions and the fact that I’m praying God to make me look ugly, my classmate, Mr. Sophomore confessed his love for me. But I don’t believe because I just want him to make effort and prove sincerity first. I avoided him and he just let me make distance from him. There was also a time when i felt like i’m so stupid and assuming. I thought a guy really like me and he knew i like him, too. I thought we already have mutual understanding. Even on Church, we’ll stare at each other for an hour w/ smiles. And i made my status on friendster-married because i felt like he want me to be his wife.hahaha.. but we’re not talking at each other and then after years, when i was college, he got a girlfriend and now he’s happy w/ his new girlfriend. Uh I feel better holding a pen than typing on keyboard. It was never my intention or it never passed in my mind that I’ll take a computer course in college. Not until I was about to sign a contract for scholarship. There are few courses on the list, only science related like biology, mathematics, engineering, chemistry and the like. No music, MassCom., fashion or architecture. I’m not good in numbers and I know my limitations, IT is the course where I thought my scholarship will be safe. After 4 years of struggle with some subjects and instructors, I was surprised I passed the qualification to graduate with honor. 1st year of college, I tried to please my classmates and instructors that I am a smart student and I can excel in class being the president. I also became member of the school band where I was fortunate to meet someone who told how old fashioned and weird I look. So I decided I should clean myself and start wearing clothes which are not too disgusting. It is not that I changed myself just because someone told me. I really love changing and evolving myself but step by step and with the go signals just like meeting those people who’ll wake me up. Just like another guy who act like his courting me for almost 2 months i thought he was serious but then he just fooled me. When i was just to fall for him too. Maybe he’s just challenged and when he felt i’m getting soft already, he’s done. I want to maintain high grades so I tried to be close to instructors and get updated with all projects and lessons. I feel like I’m really intelligent especially when I get the highest score in exams and able to run programs. But then I realized my confidence was hated by my classmates and even an irritation to my friends. I felt so bad and ignorant. But then I realized I didn’t bring them any harm. Still, I started to be easy and cool with the lessons and I hang with them and get to know them better. I learned, it is not all about me or what can I achieve. Connecting and building relationship with other people is important so you can feel you exist. And being humble is the best tool to avoid having haters. But at this point in my life, what matters to me is not those people anymore. I don’t care what they’ll think of me because my concern now is how I can show my love to my family and people who really deserve to be valued. I want to give my family a better life but I don’t want to worry about money. I just want a simple job, I’m not that competitive anymore but when challenged or dared, I don’t surrender. I’ll be happy enough if I saw my family happy and as long as I am able to fulfill my duties to the Church. Many people has spent so much time of their lives on things that aren’t really worth it. I believe there’s nothing to worry because God is good. Whether I’d be fortunate or unfortunate in life, I’ll openly accept it. And besides, God will not notice and judge His people by their achievements, but how they lived and treated life. I learned future is not a time to be feared. What really matters is the present. And at my present, I want to make sure I always appreciate nature/creatures, the good things and great blessings from God, the simplicity of life with my family, the people who are His instruments to improve my self as a being. Maybe I got bored and at the same time, feel sad tired. But then after a few seconds, I could be the liveliest and happiest soul ever lived on Earth. 🙂

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